Steve’s Net Curiosities – Updated Daily (almost)

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Costco Warehouse. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared……(You’re going to hate me for this…)

‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco

Oh, quit groaning! I don’t write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you!!

Thanks Pat!

Thanks Pat!

Thanks Pat!

If  you didn’t see this on the Tonight show, I hope you’re sitting down when you  read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!  We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into  the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.  The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was  absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it  was midwinter…Snowing and quite cold… and the guy had taken her skiing in  the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.
It was a  day trip (no  overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The  outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that  a fternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she  gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. ! !  They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle  of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a  while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a  point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the  road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she  quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the  deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the  rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car  watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from  peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather  embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon  becam e aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the  young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car’s fender.  Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted  to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she  had a brand new problem, due to the  extreme cold.
Horrified  by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her  date’s concerns about’ what is taking so long’ with a reply that indeed, she  was ‘freezing her butt off’ and in need of some assistance!  He came  around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she  looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the  giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,  they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they  also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take  something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!  Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place,  both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she  looked the other way, her first time date pr oceeded to unzip his pants and  pee her butt off the fender.
As  the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down.  Or perhaps that should be ‘pants  down’. And you thought your first date  was embarrassing. Jay Leno’s comment… ‘This   gives a whole new meaning to being pissed  off.’
Oh and how did  the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on  the Leno show.

Thanks Pat!

Thanks Pat!

A golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:

"Aye, there’s a piece of shyt on the end of your driver. "

The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point

the caddy says:

"No, the other end."

Thanks Pat!

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice, “Ken,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”

Thanks Pat!

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

The priest asks, “What did you do?”
The woman says, “I committed adultery.”
Priest: “How many times?”
Woman: “Three times.”
Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What did you do?”
Man: “I committed adultery.”
Priest:”How many times?”
Man: “Three times.”
Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi:”What did you do?”
Woman: “I committed adultery.”
Rabbi: “How many times?”
Woman: “Once.”
Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars"

Thanks Pat!

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN  KISS?
A: It’s the same as a French  kiss, but ‘downunder.’
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED  CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire,  and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY  NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they’re wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES  WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don’t have any  balls to scratch…

BONUS QUESTIONS &  ANSWERS
Q: What is a man’s Ultimate  embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an  erection and breaking his nose.
Nominated as  the world’s best short joke

A 3-year-old  boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. ‘Mom’, he asked, ‘Are  these my brains?’
‘Not yet,’  she replied.

Thanks Pat!

A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

"George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers George.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,George, how was your day?"

George told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Asprin."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Alka-seltzer, sir" says George.

"Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: ‘HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!’"

"Tunderin’ lard Jesus George, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes.”

Thanks Pat!

Thanks Pat!